Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Taco Night and Giving in to myself.....

Its Wednesday night and that can only mean one thing....its TACO NIGHT!!! With all of the changes with the girls, their lives, their schedules, nearly two years ago now, Caitlin and I deemed Wednesday night to be "Ghost Hunters and Taco Night". Every Wednesday night we have Tacos....and sometimes we watch Ghost Hunters but that part of the tradition has quickly wavered due to Natalie getting older, staying up later, and understanding what she is watching and Caitlin getting tired of watching reruns (the new episodes don't come on until late)....But regardless of the waning of the specifics, we enjoy our mini tradition. Caitlin looks forward to it and I never have to wonder what I'm going to cook for that one night per week :)

Its been a good day, Natalie has finally gone a full 24 hours without having fever and Caitlin takes her last dose of antibiotics tomorrow. Yay!

Ive been wandering the web....hanging out on FB more than I'd like to admit, browsing through CysticLife to see if anyone has anything going on that I can relate to or help with. It makes me feel good when I can help someone else. However lately, I don't seem to have much to contribute. I notice that I go through phases like this, I lose my "fight", my inner "umph", as I like to say, "my get up and go, got up and went" :) There are times when I just don't feel like I'm the right person for this...there has to be some mistake, I don't see myself as strong, I don't see myself as much more than just doing what I have to do....sometimes I want to hide, sometimes I want to run, sometimes I would like to sleep....for a really really long time.....but that's just me being selfish. I have selfish moments, I am female, I am not superwoman, I don't have a nanny....I want to go to the gym, I would love a mani/pedi, I would love to go take a bath whenever I want to and not just when I can sneak one in, I would love a hair cut, I would love to go shopping and buy something other than a princess backpack or groceries...and I could do all of that, I suppose. But the truth is that focusing on myself in any way would take time away from focusing on my children. A narrow point of view on the topic, I admit, but I cant do it, I cannot physically bring myself to focus on anything other than my children. Justin brings up the idea of getting a babysitter to go out for a night and I become offended, offended that he would want to ship off the girls to their grandparents to *gasp*...have are you serious?? We're parents....are we allowed to do that?? I haven't fully accepted this concept, and I'm not a big fan of the mommy guilt that goes along with it. I know that we need it, everyone needs a moment, heck I need a moment, he is simply verbalizing things that I would never say out loud, my pride would never allow me to ask for help....heck, I think I would keep up the "I'm great, no really" facade even if I were taking my last breath....unfortunately my pride lends itself to people thinking I'm superwoman, which lends itself to me being the hero and rarely the one being rescued, which feeds into my codependency....its a vicious, vicious cycle, but hey, if you cant laugh at yourself and critique yourself, the who can? :)This blog is my guilty pleasure, I write it late at night, after the girls are in bed, after Justin is in bed, when I can sit and type and listen to Natalie breathe, watch what I want to watch on TV, sneak a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg from the girls' Easter baskets, and just one needs anything for the moment...and that's okay with step, a night out....maybe....we'll see.

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