I am not strong, though those who know me best would beg to differ.
I am insecure, though my closest friends would never describe me that way.
I worry constantly....but the people around me rarely catch wind of such nonsense.
To everyone else I'm "her". I'm your "go to" girl. I have all the answers and if I don't I'll find them or at least give you a strong opinion of what I think about it. I am decisive. I don't stop. There is no room for failure, there is no room to hesitate.
So when I'm alone and there is no one there but me.....what is left?
Questions, anxiety, fear, sadness.....a hole where a complete human being once was. CF has taken a lot from me, but it pales in comparison to what it stands to take from my daughter.
I had a moment today....a moment where it almost overwhelmed me.
I went to the pharmacy to get all of Natalie's medicine. I decided to refill a few early so that there would be no running back and forth to the pharmacy this month. One trip to make life just a little less hectic.
As the lady behind the counter piled them one on top of the other, box upon box upon bag, out of the corner of my eye I caught the wondering stare of a man standing next to me. As I held Natalie in my arms, her head on my shoulder, the lady behind the counter asked the date of birth to confirm the prescriptions....."11, 10, 0, 6" I responded. I saw the mans eyes turn to Natalie in a questioning manner, and I looked away to complete my transaction. As I was gathering the bags of medicine to leave he looked at me and asked, "Mam, do you need some help?". I froze. I teared up, and I said "No sir, I'm fine. Thank you. I think Ive got it."
I know that he meant help with the bags....but it just hit me.
How many times do I say "no, I'm okay. Really, Ive got this." and the truth is that I don't "have" anything....I am restless. I am aimless. I am lost. I am putting one foot in front of the other in the best way that I know how in order to provide for my children....but I keep going. Keep pushing. Keep fighting. When there is every reason to fall apart, when everyone would understand if I just stopped and took a break or a vacation or a evening to go get a haircut or my nails done....if i would just take one week to only work my scheduled days and not pick up any overtime.....but I don't, and I wont. Its not who I am, right? Or is it?
So the question becomes, what defines a person?
Is it their thoughts....the never ending internal dialogue with yourself, the one that tells you you cant, you aren't good enough, its not a good time, its too expensive, whats the point, and every other excuse that exists on the planet.....
Or is it your actions? Is it your response to a situation that defines you, What happens when you are faced with the worst critic on the planet, yourself, What do you do?
This is one that I wont pretend to know the answer to.....but I sure hope its the latter of the two.