Friday, February 4, 2011

a moment.

I am not strong, though those who know me best would beg to differ.

I am insecure, though my closest friends would never describe me that way.

I worry constantly....but the people around me rarely catch wind of such nonsense.

To everyone else I'm "her". I'm your "go to" girl. I have all the answers and if I don't I'll find them or at least give you a strong opinion of what I think about it. I am decisive. I don't stop. There is no room for failure, there is no room to hesitate.

Its exhausting.

So when I'm alone and there is no one there but me.....what is left?

Questions, anxiety, fear, sadness.....a hole where a complete human being once was. CF has taken a lot from me, but it pales in comparison to what it stands to take from my daughter.

I had a moment today....a moment where it almost overwhelmed me.

I went to the pharmacy to get all of Natalie's medicine. I decided to refill a few early so that there would be no running back and forth to the pharmacy this month. One trip to make life just a little less hectic.

As the lady behind the counter piled them one on top of the other, box upon box upon bag, out of the corner of my eye I caught the wondering stare of a man standing next to me. As I held Natalie in my arms, her head on my shoulder, the lady behind the counter asked the date of birth to confirm the prescriptions....."11, 10, 0, 6" I responded. I saw the mans eyes turn to Natalie in a questioning manner, and I looked away to complete my transaction. As I was gathering the bags of medicine to leave he looked at me and asked, "Mam, do you need some help?". I froze. I teared up, and I said "No sir, I'm fine. Thank you. I think Ive got it."

I know that he meant help with the bags....but it just hit me.

How many times do I say "no, I'm okay. Really, Ive got this." and the truth is that I don't "have" anything....I am restless. I am aimless. I am lost. I am putting one foot in front of the other in the best way that I know how in order to provide for my children....but I keep going. Keep pushing. Keep fighting. When there is every reason to fall apart, when everyone would understand if I just stopped and took a break or a vacation or a evening to go get a haircut or my nails done....if i would just take one week to only work my scheduled days and not pick up any overtime.....but I don't, and I wont. Its not who I am, right? Or is it?

So the question becomes, what defines a person?

Is it their thoughts....the never ending internal dialogue with yourself, the one that tells you you cant, you aren't good enough, its not a good time, its too expensive, whats the point, and every other excuse that exists on the planet.....

Or is it your actions? Is it your response to a situation that defines you, What happens when you are faced with the worst critic on the planet, yourself, What do you do?

This is one that I wont pretend to know the answer to.....but I sure hope its the latter of the two.



  1. Every warrior has her doubts and moments of weakness. I feel you were selected for your life and challenges. I don't know why I feel that way. I would never say that to anyone else. Just you. I get that opinion from everything I've read about you. It's just my gut opinion that you're stronger than you think you are and will one day let the expectation of perfection fall away and release its hold over you. Remember: No battle ever goes exactly as planned. Natalie is lucky to have you.

  2. Juli-

    Your post really touched me because I felt like I was reading about myself. I'm also a CF mom who is barely hanging on although everyone thinks I'm so strong and have it all together. Your actions do define you because no matter how much doubt we have, we get it done and even if we don't always feel strong, we get through the tough stuff. Our kids see it too and that's why they are going to keep fighting and pushing too. Hang in there.

  3. Juli, I've been led to your blog a few times through your comments on Unknown Cystic's blog. Now I find myself here again after Josh's post on facebook. I took some time to read through several of your older posts and, well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just come right out with it: I think I have a bit of a girl-crush on you. ;) I love your emotion, your honesty, your strength (even if you doubt it at times) your sarastic sense of humor. I'll be checking back often, if that's okay (re: if I haven't creeped you out too terribly).


  4. @ UC I hope you're right. I hope that one day I wont be so hard on myself. I hope one day I can appreciate all that I have accomplished as a person and as a mother. Until then, I fight on. Thank you for your compliment. I think I am the lucky one. much love ~j

    @Julie Hey! We have the same name (kinda). I think that we are all barely hanging on....CF or no CF. Life is just hard. Like UC said, I feel too that I have been chosen for this. Im not sure why, I hope one day that question is answered for me.... I hope that youre right. I hope that it is our actions that define us because my thoughts are down right abusive ;) lol! I also hope youre right in saying that our children will gain from our perseverance. There is one phrase that is not allowed in my house...."I can't" I dont want my children to ever think that they cant do something.....I think that has been the hardest part of my personality to overcome. my best to you ~j

    @Jenny I must admit that I started to cringe a bit before I got all the way through your comment. I just knew I was about to get my first "more holy than thou" mommy bitch out. Ive yet to have the priveledge of such in nearly a year of blogging....i just knew my time had run out! lol! Thank you for stopping by and thank you for your kind words. It has been hard for me to throw things out into the world like this, but so a second home. You are more than welcome to return...would love to see you back. I am not creeped out easily and the only person who might have an issue with the girl crush thing is my other half....wait, did that come out wrong? ummmm....well, you know what i meant ;) my best to you ~j

  5. I know I'm right about you.

    BTW, digging the girl crush stuff on this site. (Sorry, that was Fox writing as me.)