Friday, April 20, 2012

Everything happens for a reason.....right?

Just a random thought for a random day.....

Ive always been of the school of thought that everything happens for a reason. Things that you go through in life prepare you for things to come.....good and bad.

My sister lost her husband Easter Sunday. He was young, too young, 29.

I cannot find the logic in things such as this. My sister has lost a husband, my niece has lost her father....he has two children from a previous marriage that are without their Daddy. He was not ill, it was not expected. Its just one of those things, an accident.

If I hold to the same ideas...then this is preparing them, all of us, for something else that just doesn't seem right, something that just doesn't seem possible, something that just doesn't make sense.

I hope I'm wrong.

I don't need anymore lessons.

I don't want anymore lessons.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

A New Baby, the Same Perspective.

Where do I start.....

Cooper is here. He made his debut weighing a monster 9lbs 8oz and 21 inches long. He's such a handsome baby. I know, I know. All mothers think that their child is beautiful, but he really is.....really.

I've spent the past nine months in a perpetual state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of having to gather my wits, gather my strength and possibly have to fight this CF battle with another child.

Perhaps that's why I couldn't gather myself enough to contribute anything to this blog, I'm not really sure.

There are some people in this world who have the privilege of being naieve when it comes to such things. I used to be one of those people. I was so sure when I was pregnant with Natalie that she was going to be healthy. The thought never crossed my mind that anything could/would possibly go wrong. The idea was obscure, was something that you heard about happening to other people, people you barely knew or people on TV.

This time was different. J and I decided against in-vitro screenings. We were unified in our stance that it simply did not matter whether the child had CF, Down's Syndrome, or any other issue....we would not abort and learning of the disability in advance would only make an already stressful time much, much worse. All of this, not to mention that some of the tests only have a 50% accuracy rate.

Despite talking about the possibilities (a lot) and making a decision that I was totally on board didn't take away the fear. Every day managing the anxiety....but not just about CF....about everything.

You see once you've been touched by something like CF, you realize anything is possible, anything can go wrong at any time, any moment......You stop taking things for granted.

Miscarriage. Managing the fear. Trying to be realistic, trying to bond with a child growing inside despite the overwhelming fear that he's going to be taken from you before you ever get to see him, to hold him.

Am I eating what I need to? The vitamins are covering the rest, right? Wait, did I take my vitamin?

Are these vitamins good enough? They're over the counter....I mean I don't NEED prescription vitamins.....Do I?

Am I going to give my child some sort of issue because of all of the processed foods and artificial sweeteners because there was this article.....on the Internet......something about tumors.......Ugh!

Work, I have to work. Am I working too much? Am I going to hurt the baby? Its just exercise, right? Sixteen hours worth of exercise....Ugh!

And then suddenly, its over.....He's here.

His newborn screen came back negative. But it doesn't stop me from kissing his forehead after a long nap and licking my lips.....checking, just checking.....again. And it doesn't stop me from watching his BM's like a hawk.....waiting for any sign that I should do something, call the doctor....It doesn't stop me from weighing myself and then picking him up and weighing us together to make sure he's gaining weight instead of losing any.....just checking...because you know my scale weighs to the tenth of a pound.

CF has changed me.

Sometimes I'm okay with that.

Today I'm not.