Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Birthdays and sanity....
Yesterday was my first born's 10th birthday....10 years. I looked at the clock at 11:38 am and realized that she was 10 years and 9 minutes old and nearly fell apart. Ten years....I keep saying it over and over. I don't know where the time has gone. Ive spent so much of my time trying to make sure that she has what she needs, going to school, going to work, trying to keep her from the bad things in life, that sometimes I forget that she just wants me. I remember that feeling. I didn't care about clothes, shoes, or what I had....my best memories were simply when i felt special, felt acknowledged, felt wanted. Ive resolved myself to making more of those moments for Caitlin. She deserves that, and more. The pictures above explain it better than I ever could, but my grandparents were a huge part of my life, and Caitlin's life as well. We all miss them dearly, but the void for Caitlin has been huge. Just as with every special occasion where balloons are involved, she had to send a balloon to them in heaven with a note....it kills my soul every time, but I would never discourage her. Her faith is stronger than mine sometimes and I don't want her to ever second guess it.
Its hard to balance Caitlin's emotional needs with Natalie's medical needs. Its easy for Caitlin to get lost in the shuffle. Natalie is so unpredictable and into everything, Caitlin is responsible and low maintenance. Caitlin doesn't like to rock the boat, she wouldn't ask for anything that she wasn't offered....Natalie asks for everything and cries when she doesn't get it....so three years into this whole having two children thing, Natalie having CF thing, having Mommy guilt thing, trying not to lose my mind thing, I'm still trying to work it out....but from what I hear, we all are :)