Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Summer colds, disease progression, and growing up.

Its that time of year again ladies and gentlemen......time for the infamous summer cold.

I think its starting to set in a bit.

I don't why but I find comfort in our "sick" routine. I can pretty much tell you the month that things are going to start going downhill for each season......annoying, but comforting. How? Simple. I hate surprises and as long as things are going as planned I am a happy mommy....not happy that we are all getting sick, but happy that its nothing out of the ordinary. Its expected. I'm okay with it.

What I'm not okay with is Natalie's increasing awareness of her disease and her symptoms. She woke up this morning and was noticeably "heavy" in her chest. She was having trouble breathing. I could tell. I asked her if she was having trouble she said "yes, its hard to breathe mommy". Heart wrenching. Awful. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'm glad that she is able to tell me but it is just so hard to hear. So hard. I'm trying to adjust to hearing the truth. Sometimes I would rather not.

But as things always go, time passes, children grow. Overall we've been pretty healthy. Natalie will be in school this year. Caitlin is going to be in the 6th grade. Wow. My little girls are growing up.....Its something that I cant reconcile in my head. Caitlin was getting dressed in her room a couple of weeks back.....I was watching her brush her hair and put her earrings on and I just lost it.....I pulled one of those sappy mommy moments.....I just sat on her bed and started to cry. She looked at me confused at first and then said, "Its because I'm growing up huh Momma?" I just nodded and she gave me a big hug and said "Its okay Momma." But its not okay....very soon she will be as old as I am......soon my best intentions will be thrown to the wayside.....soon it wont matter what I had planned, all that will matter is what I did......soon this will all be a memory....soon she will judge me for the life that I gave her.....I just pray that its been enough. I have tried so hard.....I wish it could have been better.....the next few years will be good....or at least I'm going to try and make them that way.

Sooooo anyway....... school is starting soon and I'm going to try to start putting school supplies and uniforms and shoes together. This year I have to do it for two so we are starting extra early. Maybe I'll get some help, maybe I wont. Who knows. But I'm going to do my best....and that's enough....it just has to be.

Happy Summer!

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