Wednesday, June 29, 2011


I'm going to pretend that I didn't see you today when you drove by my house because if I told anyone they would make more of it than it was.....and I know why I saw you....and now you know why things have been the way that they have. It truly has been for your own good.

I'm going to pretend that I don't miss you because the truth is that most days, I don't. I cant stand to be suffocated for long periods.....I lash out at whomever it is that is doing the suffocating. I use that term loosely because quite honestly most people suffocate me. I want people around at my discretion. Selfish, but true. Ive given up so much of my life to the fathers of my girls.....I'm out for me right now....I hope I get past this phase soon.

I'm going to pretend that the thought "He would never stand for this" never crosses my mind, but it does. There have been things that have happened that I know you would not agree with and would have never let happen to begin would have taken care of would have taken care of me. I know you would have. That sucks. Having no one to depend on.....having no one to pick you up, brush you off, and send you back out into the world just a little more sure than yesterday.

I'm going to pretend that what I'm doing is what I want because for the most part, it is. You don't need to be in this circle. No one does. No human being should be subjected to my expectations. They are unrealistic and unattainable. They are the result of two failed relationships and a lifetime of seeing the worst side of people. I'm good at bringing that out. So I suppose this is the eternally cliche "its not you, its me" part of the program.

I'm going to pretend that you understand all of this. I know you don't. I don't understand myself a large majority of the time. Maybe one day I will grow up and figure out who the hell I am.....then maybe things wont be so crazy.....maybe......maybe.

I'm going to pretend that I didn't write this and I'm going to pretend that you're not going to read it because really this isn't for always, this is about me, its always about much as I like to hide it and as much as I like to pretend that I do so much and I am so giving and so caring and so selfless.....I'm not. I'm selfish. Always.

Do yourself a favor, delete the web address, delete my phone number, I'll block you as a user on FB and then maybe you can really move on. You aren't missing anything. Its not pretty when you look underneath. You should know this by now. Believe it.

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