Pretending

I'm going to pretend that I didn't see you today when you drove by my house because if I told anyone they would make more of it than it was.....and I know why I saw you....and now you know why things have been the way that they have. It truly has been for your own good.

I'm going to pretend that I don't miss you because the truth is that most days, I don't. I cant stand to be suffocated for long periods.....I lash out at whomever it is that is doing the suffocating. I use that term loosely because quite honestly most people suffocate me. I want people around at my discretion. Selfish, but true. Ive given up so much of my life to the fathers of my girls.....I'm out for me right now....I hope I get past this phase soon.

I'm going to pretend that the thought "He would never stand for this" never crosses my mind, but it does. There have been things that have happened that I know you would not agree with and would have never let happen to begin with....you would have taken care of it....you would have taken care of me. I know you would have. That sucks. Having no one to depend on.....having no one to pick you up, brush you off, and send you back out into the world just a little more sure than yesterday.

I'm going to pretend that what I'm doing is what I want because for the most part, it is. You don't need to be in this circle. No one does. No human being should be subjected to my expectations. They are unrealistic and unattainable. They are the result of two failed relationships and a lifetime of seeing the worst side of people. I'm good at bringing that out. So I suppose this is the eternally cliche "its not you, its me" part of the program.

I'm going to pretend that you understand all of this. I know you don't. I don't understand myself a large majority of the time. Maybe one day I will grow up and figure out who the hell I am.....then maybe things wont be so crazy.....maybe......maybe.

I'm going to pretend that I didn't write this and I'm going to pretend that you're not going to read it because really this isn't for you.....as always, this is about me, its always about me......as much as I like to hide it and as much as I like to pretend that I do so much and I am so giving and so caring and so selfless.....I'm not. I'm selfish. Always.

Do yourself a favor, delete the web address, delete my phone number, I'll block you as a user on FB and then maybe you can really move on. You aren't missing anything. Its not pretty when you look underneath. You should know this by now. Believe it.

ER's are stupid.

I woke up yesterday morning with an excruciating pain in the curvature of my left hip. It was terrible. But I'm not a complainer so I continued with my day. I had the same pain intermittently since Friday so I continued my normal way of dealing with my own health issues.....I just ignored it.

By lunch time I couldn't walk. The pain was radiating around my back and down to about mid thigh. My leg was having waves of numbness and I was nauseated. I was a sad excuse for a human being.

Soooo I did what any self respecting health professional would do. I Googled it.

You would be amazed what comes back in a search engine when you plug in left lower quadrant abdominal pain.....its enough to scare the beejeezus out of the least concerned people. So rather than lay on my butt and die......because according to Google that is EXACTLY what was going to happen.....okay so not exactly but close enough.....I called my step mom and my dad and asked them to watch Natalie while I went to the ER.

By the time I got to the ER I was dying.....my mind has a way of freaking me out so that's why I rarely focus on things for a long period of time.....I can see EVERY worst case scenario.....its just no fun......Anyways. So I was Triaged relatively quickly, but that's about all that happened quickly.

I sat there for hours. Contemplating logging my plight on Facebook....hmmmm.....noooo.....tacky.....looks like you're fishing for sympathy.....So I then thought I would blog about it while I was sitting there waiting to die.....Nope....that's not fun to read......So then I decided to do what everyone else was doing. Just sit there.....and I did....for a very long time.

After 5 hours, multiple labs, a renal CT, a nurse who couldn't give a proper IM injection to save her life and some highly invasive procedures we won't talk about, I left the ER with an apology and some Naproxen. Yeah, like the headache medicine....that's the one I'm talking about.

So there is good news and bad news. The good news is that I have no communicable diseases, my kidneys look fabulous, and I'm not dying after all.  The bad news is that they have no idea what is wrong with me.

I woke up in less pain today than I was yesterday. That's always a good thing, but its not due to the meds....I threw that script away.

My step mom and I joked about arthritis......but now I'm finding the idea less amusing and more probable. Either that or a mysteriously pulled muscle.....I just thought that I would remember doing something like that, especially seeing as how I've been at work all weekend and have been extraordinarily well behaved lately......hmmmm.

I think I'm going to stay away from Google today. Hope your week finds you well. Much love ~j

Summer colds, disease progression, and growing up.

Its that time of year again ladies and gentlemen......time for the infamous summer cold.

I think its starting to set in a bit.

I don't why but I find comfort in our "sick" routine. I can pretty much tell you the month that things are going to start going downhill for each season......annoying, but comforting. How? Simple. I hate surprises and as long as things are going as planned I am a happy mommy....not happy that we are all getting sick, but happy that its nothing out of the ordinary. Its expected. I'm okay with it.

What I'm not okay with is Natalie's increasing awareness of her disease and her symptoms. She woke up this morning and was noticeably "heavy" in her chest. She was having trouble breathing. I could tell. I asked her if she was having trouble she said "yes, its hard to breathe mommy". Heart wrenching. Awful. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'm glad that she is able to tell me but it is just so hard to hear. So hard. I'm trying to adjust to hearing the truth. Sometimes I would rather not.

But as things always go, time passes, children grow. Overall we've been pretty healthy. Natalie will be in school this year. Caitlin is going to be in the 6th grade. Wow. My little girls are growing up.....Its something that I cant reconcile in my head. Caitlin was getting dressed in her room a couple of weeks back.....I was watching her brush her hair and put her earrings on and I just lost it.....I pulled one of those sappy mommy moments.....I just sat on her bed and started to cry. She looked at me confused at first and then said, "Its because I'm growing up huh Momma?" I just nodded and she gave me a big hug and said "Its okay Momma." But its not okay....very soon she will be as old as I am......soon my best intentions will be thrown to the wayside.....soon it wont matter what I had planned, all that will matter is what I did......soon this will all be a memory....soon she will judge me for the life that I gave her.....I just pray that its been enough. I have tried so hard.....I wish it could have been better.....the next few years will be good....or at least I'm going to try and make them that way.

Sooooo anyway....... school is starting soon and I'm going to try to start putting school supplies and uniforms and shoes together. This year I have to do it for two so we are starting extra early. Maybe I'll get some help, maybe I wont. Who knows. But I'm going to do my best....and that's enough....it just has to be.

Happy Summer!

Thoughts

Blank stares, hiding away,
Wandering in the night with little to say.
Lovely thoughts of a horrid past,
Lingering betrayals of a home that lasts.
"Go back!, Go back!" endless shouts.
Overwhelming time, overwhelming doubt.
Living dark, living bright,
Coming undone, doing what's right.
Just how far will you choose to run
From what remains after it's said, after it's done.
Turn! Face! Stand your ground!
Who truly remains when no one else is around?
~Anonymous

Third time's a charm.....or not.

I have tried several times to account for my whereabouts on this blog.

Posts have gotten erased (by blogger) or laid aside for various reasons (lack of desire to incite retribution).

My world is up in the air and in a free fall. I'm not sure exactly what the past month's happenings are going to look like when it all settles out.

I try to keep the "love" portion of this blog to a minimum. Especially where my private life is concerned, unless it directly affects my children or the situation on a whole. So I have kept the last person in our lives quiet.

Until now.

He's gone and that's okay.

What isn't okay is the fact that I have been hiding because of him, because I know that he reads this. Not sure how frequently. Don't really care. But the point is that I haven't been home for more than a couple of hours at a time here and there because of random happenings that make me think that he may be gone, but is always lingering somewhere close....and quite frankly that freaks me the f^&k out. I have had no desire to chart my whereabouts, my thoughts, nor my feelings.

Maybe I'm crazy. I've been accused a time or two.

But until I feel better or some relief, things are going to be kinda quiet around here.

all of my best to you always ~j

Where are you? (again)

BLOGGER JUST ERASED MY BLOG POST!