Friday, May 27, 2011

stupidity, sickness, and losing myself.

I've gotten lost lately.

Regardless of how familiar the feeling may be, it is still slightly disturbing.

Everything that my life once encompassed has changed. Even my beloved blog has fallen to the wayside.

I am feeling closed in, a tad claustrophobic and I recognize the feelings that are hiding beneath the surface.... the urge to run, the urge to break free....all of them lingering there, waiting for an opportunity to come to light.....just waiting to shed everything that Ive wrapped myself up in and just go.

The confusion comes in where I am not sure whether to give my silent stubbornness its day in the sun or choose to suppress it all. I don't know exactly where it comes from and I don't know exactly why......but I have an idea because this isn't the first time I've had to deal with this....last time it didn't turn out all that well. So, for now, I am choosing to suppress and refocus.

I am pretty sure that all of this stems from a single event.....a runny nose.

Just follow me for a second.

Natalie has been fighting off a cold for the past week. I noticed the slightly runny nose last Friday when she woke up. I knew it was coming. I knew it was possible that it could turn out really, really bad. So I upped her vest settings and upped her treatments and times, it was time to start her Tobi rotation, so we did that too.....That held it at bay for a week. I called the pediatrician to try and get her in yesterday but couldn't. Then this morning she awoke to a nasty, nasty cough. Another phone call and to the pediatrician we went.

More medication added to our "daily" list and a round of oral antibiotics.....Natalie's sinuses are her Achilles heel. They are the start of all things bad.....You can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as her nose starts running something ugly is going to follow. Maybe not that day, but one day, and soon.

When Natalie gets sick my "Mommy guilt" kicks in hard. Maybe if I hadn't taken her here, or gone there.....maybe if I didn't have her around other kids.....maybe if I had done more, maybe if I had paid more attention, maybe if, maybe if, maybe if......and I beat a dead horse and lash out..... removing everyone from our bubble until all that is left is me, Natalie, and Caitlin. Right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or is an undeniable pattern.

I don't know what to do with it.

So instead of focusing on such I'm going to start some new allergy/sinus meds, a round of antibiotics, get Natalie well, and see how I feel when this is over and she is better.

My acceptance letter came in the mail today. I will be starting back to college in the fall. It seems like a hollow victory right now, overshadowed by what seem to be impossibly insurmountable circumstances, but I'm trying. I am. Really.


  1. Do you flush her sinuses with Neilmed? If you don't, please speak to your pediatrician to see if he or she recommends it. We use it with our daughter when she's stuffy or we think she's coming down with a cold.

    Hang in there. Stick to you goal of finishing college. You can do it.

  2. We don't do sinus rinses, she can't deal with them. I do use a saline nose spray daily just to keep them flushed out some. College is on the back burner until spring, but that's a post for a different day. Thanks for always being here and commenting. It means a lot to me. Much love. ~j