Monday, May 17, 2010
limits and finding strength....
I've been hiding out again. I find that I do that when I have acquired too much information, too many thoughts, too many questions, and too much heartache to process in a single sitting. I have reached my limit, I need to just back away, grieve, think, reason life out for a while before I join back in again.
I spend so much time living in the now, worrying about whats right in front of me, trying to navigate a life that seems out of my hands, that when the past or future creep into my thought processes it is devastating for me, emotionally....socially. Sure I can keep up a good front, you'll rarely find me admitting defeat....that doesn't mean I don't feel defeated.
I am devastated for my Caitlin. I am ashamed that she has to deal with life with divorced parents because of our immaturity, our stupidity, and our lack of good judgement. My heart is broken for her, the things and ideas that she must comprehend at her age just aren't fair, not only with her father's life, my life, but with Natalie as well. Its just not how it was supposed to be, its not what i had planned....Its not good enough for her, its just not good enough. She is so beautiful, she is so intelligent, such a talented, amazing little girl. She's supposed to have the world, and instead she has what her father and I have made for her....and what's more heart wrenching is that she rarely complains. She smiles, nods, deals with life as it is handed to her....so strong, so wise for her age. As she was getting out of the car to go to her father's house after dance class last week, she threw an envelope onto the seat of the car, kept walking, never looking back, smiling at her father and giving him her greetings....as I watched them drive away, I picked up the envelope and this is what I found written on purple ballerina stationary:
I'm ten and you're still one heck of a mom. Always remember that I love you. Keep rockin my world and never give up! I love you more than china's tea cups!
I'm sad that she can see my sadness, I'm proud and feel blessed to have such a nurturing thoughtful little girl, I'm happy that she still mixes up the phrase "I love you more than all the tea in China" with the above paraphrase. She's been doing that since she was old enough to talk and its kinda become our "thing"....I don't know what I would do without her, but how I wish she didn't feel like she was taking care of everyone. After all, that's supposed to be my job.
So, as rare as it is that I allow myself to slow down enough to become engulfed by the sadness that follows me, I give myself this moment. I give myself this time to sit at a tear soaked keyboard, but only this time. Once I have left this computer, it will be behind me, I will stand and continue the day's housework, dance class tonight, Natalie's fever, dinner, tomorrow's doctor appointments and I will do it with a smile, with resolve, and with no outward frustration. I will do it this way because my baby sees, my baby understands, and she has enough on her plate already.