Fail!

Okay, so I've already failed at the post every day. I have a really good reason though. The girls have been in a Club Penguin war for the past two days, therefore the computers are tied up....I'm posting this from my iPhone. Sad, but true. Since its their Christmas vacation I'm being a bit more lenient with computer time and they've been apart for nearly a week PLUS they have to leave again tonight....sooooo here I am...posting from my phone so that I don't feel like a total failure, only a partial one. :) much love and happy holidays to you all. See you on the flip side. ~j

A blog post each day through the end of the year....

I'm trying to get back into the habit of being here, so I'm challenging myself to write an entry every day until the end of the year. Just a little disclaimer, weekends don't count....you already know why. Its not for a lack of time or a lack of caring that I haven't posted, I've just been so incredibly tired lately. Last night is a good example of why.

My other half has been away with training for work each week for the past few weeks, Monday through Friday. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work 16 hour shifts on Saturday and Sunday. So as of right now, we are working exact opposite schedules and he's not even home in the evenings. If he were home in the evenings, that would probably make things easier as well.......However, he's not....but I'm not going to whine about it......much. Getting to my point.....

When he isn't home, I don't feel compelled to get in my bed. Its almost more comfortable (especially lately) to just sleep on the sofa. So last night, as usual, I didn't make the trek to the bed.....I just stayed put. I finally passed out somewhere before the infomercials but after all of the good programming had come and gone for the night.

I got about two good hours in when the nightmares started. Nightmare, wake up, readjust, roll over, go back to sleep, rinse and repeat.

Finally at about 4 am I woke up in tears, sent a text to my other half apologizing for every personality flaw that had been highlighted in my head for the past couple of hours, cried for a while because I'm a wuss and hormones make me crazy and then decided that maybe the sofa was cursed for the night and stumbled to bed.

Cue Natalie.

Her cough wakes me up and I stumble back out to the kitchen, start filling nebulizer cups and find a comfortable seat next to her so the whir of the nebulizer machine can put us both back to sleep.

Sleep. Cough. Wake. Reposition. Sleep. Cough. Wake. Reposition.

I think it's nap time.

All of my best. ~j

I did it again.

I know, I know. I did it again.

I would apologize....but it seems that I just can't help myself and I hate people who apologize for something and just keep doing it over and over again.

Life is different than it used to be. Things have changed.

I suppose now it's okay for me to tell you why I published some random, obscure post about being Jewish....Why I've been absent....Why I just cant get my brain together.....

It seems that our family will be growing by about two feet......

errr.....let's see.....what other cliche way can we put this....

Oh hell, I'll just say it, I'm pregnant.

I'm excited. I'm worried. I'm tired. I'm preoccupied.

Right now I am sick and so is Natalie. We just had her 3 month check up....she did fabulously. Her FEV1 was 102% and her culture grew only rare amounts of regular staph which is part of her normal flora and a regular sight in her culture results. Problem is that we both have gotten sick since then....I'm hoping that it doesn't turn into something really nasty....she sounds awful, I sound awful.

I was in the L&D department of the hospital Sunday night because of working 16 hours while sick and coughing and I was having regular contractions.....Everything is fine.....I get the same ole speech.....sit down, drink more water, don't hang around sick people......I just wonder how much of this stuff they actually expect me to do.....I mean I have to work, I have to take care of my kids.....water I can do....One out of three isn't bad, right? Oh who am I kidding, its awful.

The other portion of my absence is more personal. I've been making an effort to communicate more with the people who are sitting in front of me, as opposed to those who are not. The unfortunate truth is that I am much better at writing what I think and feel than I am at actually articulating it......When I speak, I come across as harsh, judgmental, a perfectionist.....

CF has made me a bit of a control freak, being a single mom has made me a control freak.....life experiences have made me a control freak and with the recent mass expansion of the family, meaning the addition of two more kids on top of my two as well as our little bun in the oven....I have lost some of that control....I can't do this on my own and I am thankful that I don't have to do it alone.....but, after running my life by myself and on my own terms for so long, its an adjustment to say the least. Okay, okay. Its not just an adjustment, its down right traumatic.

I'm working on it though.....working on everything....one day at a time.....we're going to be okay.

All of my best always ~j