Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Nightmares.
They say that dreams are your subconscious way of working out conscious problems, issues, or fears. If this is the case, I sure wish that I had less baggage and could dream about pleasant things.
As cool and calm as I seem outwardly on a daily basis is as tormented as I am in my sleep.
People, places, ideas.....things that have already been played out in real life....replayed over and over again with different scenarios, different endings over and over and over again. Fears brought to life with the closing of my eyes. Wishes, wants, things that I wish I had the nerve to do, done in an instant only to wake to the realization that my dreams are as close as I'll ever get. Frustrating. Exhausting. Depressing.
I wake in the morning so tired. Half of the time the dreams are so real, it takes me a minute to get oriented and to figure out if it really happened or not.
I'm starting to understand more and more why people need sleeping pills and therapy.
As cool and calm as I seem outwardly on a daily basis is as tormented as I am in my sleep.
People, places, ideas.....things that have already been played out in real life....replayed over and over again with different scenarios, different endings over and over and over again. Fears brought to life with the closing of my eyes. Wishes, wants, things that I wish I had the nerve to do, done in an instant only to wake to the realization that my dreams are as close as I'll ever get. Frustrating. Exhausting. Depressing.
I wake in the morning so tired. Half of the time the dreams are so real, it takes me a minute to get oriented and to figure out if it really happened or not.
I'm starting to understand more and more why people need sleeping pills and therapy.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Top ten reasons to suspect that I am not a woman:
I have suspected for a long time that my gender is only anatomically deep. I do not relate to women the way that I do to men. Call me mean, call me insensitive, call me a mind f*&k......whatever you like....but here they are:
TOP 10 REASONS I AM ACTUALLY A GUY:
10. I do not cry at Hallmark commercials or any commercial for that matter. WTF dude? They're commercials. They're seething low blows by billionaires to suck the last dollar out of the working man's pocket.
9. The world does not end if I don't have a haircut/style every other month, every six months, or hell even once a year. Its hair. It goes in a pony tail. End of story.
8. Getting a mani/pedi is not my idea of fun. While necessary at times and a nice treat, the fact that I haven't had one in nearly five years does not bother me in the least.
7. I think that men look ugly naked. You would NEVER find me at a Chip 'n Dales show.....is that even how you spell that? Aren't Chip and Dale chipmunks?? Just wondering.
6. While I am busy a lot and most of my TV time consists of Nick Jr., when I do get to watch TV. American Idol, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or any other trashy MTV reality tv show is that LAST thing you're going to find on my TV. Ugh! What is up with that?
5. Though I have mood swings like a woman the LAST thing I want to do is talk about it. Leave me alone. If I'm quiet, there's a good reason for it. Don't pester me until I open my mouth and word vomit comes out all over you and then get upset because of what I said. Let me be, I'll be fine in a minute or two or ten or tomorrow.....
4. I think guns are cool. So is cammo. I heart cut off BDU's.
3. I don't like being dirty but it happens. The dirtier I am, the more that I feel I have accomplished.
2. I think that emotions are highly over rated and get you into trouble and make you say stupid things that make you look silly. Logic is a far better friend to have. The Casey Anthony trial reaction has solidified this belief.
1. If its football season and you do not watch football or have anything negative to say about football.....you should stay away from me.....because its football season, my season. No, you may not watch something else, no we are not going anywhere unless its to watch the game, no you may not watch something else during the halftime report and yes, I must watch the after game commentary.
So there they are. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one. Then I remember that I don't care :)
All of my best, always! ~j
TOP 10 REASONS I AM ACTUALLY A GUY:
10. I do not cry at Hallmark commercials or any commercial for that matter. WTF dude? They're commercials. They're seething low blows by billionaires to suck the last dollar out of the working man's pocket.
9. The world does not end if I don't have a haircut/style every other month, every six months, or hell even once a year. Its hair. It goes in a pony tail. End of story.
8. Getting a mani/pedi is not my idea of fun. While necessary at times and a nice treat, the fact that I haven't had one in nearly five years does not bother me in the least.
7. I think that men look ugly naked. You would NEVER find me at a Chip 'n Dales show.....is that even how you spell that? Aren't Chip and Dale chipmunks?? Just wondering.
6. While I am busy a lot and most of my TV time consists of Nick Jr., when I do get to watch TV. American Idol, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or any other trashy MTV reality tv show is that LAST thing you're going to find on my TV. Ugh! What is up with that?
5. Though I have mood swings like a woman the LAST thing I want to do is talk about it. Leave me alone. If I'm quiet, there's a good reason for it. Don't pester me until I open my mouth and word vomit comes out all over you and then get upset because of what I said. Let me be, I'll be fine in a minute or two or ten or tomorrow.....
4. I think guns are cool. So is cammo. I heart cut off BDU's.
3. I don't like being dirty but it happens. The dirtier I am, the more that I feel I have accomplished.
2. I think that emotions are highly over rated and get you into trouble and make you say stupid things that make you look silly. Logic is a far better friend to have. The Casey Anthony trial reaction has solidified this belief.
1. If its football season and you do not watch football or have anything negative to say about football.....you should stay away from me.....because its football season, my season. No, you may not watch something else, no we are not going anywhere unless its to watch the game, no you may not watch something else during the halftime report and yes, I must watch the after game commentary.
So there they are. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one. Then I remember that I don't care :)
All of my best, always! ~j
Friday, July 1, 2011
Life Lessons: Hitler Incarnate
I rarely post on specifics of work.....aside from the ever looming HIPPA violations that would ensue, I try not to mix work in with my blog. Its just not kosher.....most of the time. But this week something has been on my mind and after nearly a week of trying to process it, I'm finally starting to be okay with it.
A new weekend supervisor came to our little facility a few months ago. I must admit that after the laid back supervisor that he was replacing, I was nervous. His military, flight, and NICU background along with his dry sense of humor left him more of a mystery than I like for people to be. I am excellent at reading people. Something that does not behoove me in my personal life.....sometimes I write it off as paranoia, sometimes its written off as manipulation because I know how they will react before they are put into a situation, but when I peg someone.....its usually correct....I hate it, I hate that I do it, but its just the way it is. I do it because it makes me comfortable and therefore I know what to expect from them......but not this one. This one I nicknamed Hitler right from the start. I think he wanted us to be scared.....even if it was just for a minute.
Over time he has come to fit in nicely with our rather diverse group of nurses. He even gave up a job offer to go to work during the week (like a real 9-5) to stay with us and do two 16's every Saturday and Sunday. I was impressed and flattered simultaneously. He's grown on me. He could have children my age and therefore he has no problem telling me when I'm out of line or to stop whining or letting me vent when I need to. We are the equivalent of a large family on the weekends.....we are stuck together through thick and thin for close to 40 hours (our shifts never end on time).....We rise, we fall, we succeed and we fail as one.
Last weekend I was on my break and something had happened. I'm not sure exactly what, there is a lot of back and forth conversations that have been going on lately. All I know is that I remember looking at my supervisor and saying "I just don't understand why people have to be like that." and he said, "Well, what do you expect them to be like? People will always disappoint you." My quick response was something along the lines of giving people the benefit of the doubt and then I said, "I don't know, why cant everyone just be like me?" It was a half hearted statement, not really meant to be exactly like me but more along the lines of not so damn mean all the time. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, but I'm not malicious, if I'm mean you can bet your bottom dollar you've either hurt me terribly and I cant help it or I'm trying to protect your silly ass.....anyways this was all happening as he was walking away from me and he stopped dead in his tracks, looked at me over his shoulder started to laugh and said, "No, no. There is only oooone Juli." I said, "but..." and he laughed again and said, "Nope, nope, just one. One Juli. That's all." with his back to me and index finger held up shaking it as he had continued to walk away from me, continuing his trek down the hallway.
I just stood there. Shrugged. "Duh, of course there's just one me." Then I started to analyze the way that he said it.....there was a slight hint of sarcasm with an "oh thank God" ring to it.....I was offended for a minute.....but then there was also that stern "this is a lesson you need to learn real quick" lying beneath it all......
Now Im not sure why this particular time that this bit of information struck me in such an odd way. We've all heard this a million times. "There is only one you." "No one can be you." "Be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of someone else." blah. blah. blah.
But the truth of the matter is that when you sit and think about it.....really sit and think about it.....the idea is pretty darn cool. In this vast expanse of the universe......there really is just one me. Im not so bad. Heck, when you give me the chance Im pretty darn cool, even fun sometimes.....sometimes. There are a great many things that I can change....who I am is not one of them. So from my very own Hitler, I have been reminded that there's nothing more that I need to be other than me.....it just goes bad places, leads to disappointment and a host of other negative things.....gonna try this life lesson on for size for a while.
All of my best. ~j
A new weekend supervisor came to our little facility a few months ago. I must admit that after the laid back supervisor that he was replacing, I was nervous. His military, flight, and NICU background along with his dry sense of humor left him more of a mystery than I like for people to be. I am excellent at reading people. Something that does not behoove me in my personal life.....sometimes I write it off as paranoia, sometimes its written off as manipulation because I know how they will react before they are put into a situation, but when I peg someone.....its usually correct....I hate it, I hate that I do it, but its just the way it is. I do it because it makes me comfortable and therefore I know what to expect from them......but not this one. This one I nicknamed Hitler right from the start. I think he wanted us to be scared.....even if it was just for a minute.
Over time he has come to fit in nicely with our rather diverse group of nurses. He even gave up a job offer to go to work during the week (like a real 9-5) to stay with us and do two 16's every Saturday and Sunday. I was impressed and flattered simultaneously. He's grown on me. He could have children my age and therefore he has no problem telling me when I'm out of line or to stop whining or letting me vent when I need to. We are the equivalent of a large family on the weekends.....we are stuck together through thick and thin for close to 40 hours (our shifts never end on time).....We rise, we fall, we succeed and we fail as one.
Last weekend I was on my break and something had happened. I'm not sure exactly what, there is a lot of back and forth conversations that have been going on lately. All I know is that I remember looking at my supervisor and saying "I just don't understand why people have to be like that." and he said, "Well, what do you expect them to be like? People will always disappoint you." My quick response was something along the lines of giving people the benefit of the doubt and then I said, "I don't know, why cant everyone just be like me?" It was a half hearted statement, not really meant to be exactly like me but more along the lines of not so damn mean all the time. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, but I'm not malicious, if I'm mean you can bet your bottom dollar you've either hurt me terribly and I cant help it or I'm trying to protect your silly ass.....anyways this was all happening as he was walking away from me and he stopped dead in his tracks, looked at me over his shoulder started to laugh and said, "No, no. There is only oooone Juli." I said, "but..." and he laughed again and said, "Nope, nope, just one. One Juli. That's all." with his back to me and index finger held up shaking it as he had continued to walk away from me, continuing his trek down the hallway.
I just stood there. Shrugged. "Duh, of course there's just one me." Then I started to analyze the way that he said it.....there was a slight hint of sarcasm with an "oh thank God" ring to it.....I was offended for a minute.....but then there was also that stern "this is a lesson you need to learn real quick" lying beneath it all......
Now Im not sure why this particular time that this bit of information struck me in such an odd way. We've all heard this a million times. "There is only one you." "No one can be you." "Be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of someone else." blah. blah. blah.
But the truth of the matter is that when you sit and think about it.....really sit and think about it.....the idea is pretty darn cool. In this vast expanse of the universe......there really is just one me. Im not so bad. Heck, when you give me the chance Im pretty darn cool, even fun sometimes.....sometimes. There are a great many things that I can change....who I am is not one of them. So from my very own Hitler, I have been reminded that there's nothing more that I need to be other than me.....it just goes bad places, leads to disappointment and a host of other negative things.....gonna try this life lesson on for size for a while.
All of my best. ~j
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