Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My first, my fabulous, my Caitlin.....

I didn't know life was going to be so complicated.....I would have listened to my parents better and stayed at home longer....."Yes Daddy, I know I'm 35 years old and I should be ready to leave home.....but can't I stay just a while longer....."

Caitlin says she's going to live with me forever, that she's never going to leave home. I told her that I was going to remind her of that statement in 6 or 7 years.......If she holds true to her current statements, I'm perfectly okay with that....I would love to protect her from what the world has to offer as long as humanly possible.....she's had enough reality already.

Speaking of Caitlin......she's turning eleven in a few days.....eleven. one, one. 1-1. 11. Wow.

Caitlin is my world. She is so smart, so understanding, so loving, so caring, so compassionate. She is responsible and neat.....she is quick witted and funny.....She truly is the perfect child. She has started to form her own opinions about things and I openly encourage her to share them.....I want her to understand that she has a voice.....and I want her to use it.

I miss her.

Her father and I share custody so she is with him for a week and home for a week.....its hard on me, its hard on Natalie, and its hard on Caitlin.....but she would have it no other way. Believe me, Ive tried. She wants equal time with us.....she refuses to be the child who barely knows her father and only goes to visit every other weekend (her words).....we have had many discussions regarding the matter......She loves him so.......She protects him with ever fiber of her being......From what, you may ask? The answer is simple. Everything. Anything that she thinks would make him feel bad or sad or upset or put undue stress on him...... money, trouble that she has with her friends, opinions about things that she thinks that he may not like or agree with.....I try to explain to her that that's not her job......I hope he knows.....I hope he understands what she holds inside until she gets home to me.....I hope he understands what she does for him.....Ive tried to explain it to him.....I just don't know.

When Caitlin came along, everything changed. Not in the sense that you may think.....not the money or the fact that there was a baby in the house, that's a given, that all happened too. But the most important change came within moments of her birth.....I became a mother.

Caitlin's father and I were married while he was stationed at Ft. Campbell, Ky. Therefore Caitlin was born in a military hospital....not the nice suites in the hospitals that we have now. There was a labor room, a delivery room, a recovery room, and a post partum room....it was like playing musical chairs. Just when you got comfortable, they would jerk you out of the room and throw you somewhere else.

We were alone, except for my two sisters who were 14 and 17 at the time.....I shake my head in disbelief as I write this.....those people sent a newborn baby home with two 19 year olds, a 17 year old and a 14 year old....wow. Anyways.

I remember them placing her on my stomach.....I remember being surprised by her head full of jet black hair and i remember the confusion I had when she looked up at me with those dark, dark navy blue eyes......I tease her and tell her that she looked like a little Mexican baby when she was born, but she really was beautiful....she always has been.

We were taken to recovery. I remember the colors of the curtains. Chris was to my right, sitting there, there was a phone, I don't know who I talked to or who he talked to but there was a phone call, maybe two.....they took Caitlin to bathe her.....when they brought her back they wouldn't let me hold her because they wanted to keep her in the warmer to help her maintain her body temperature for about an hour. It was the longest 45 minutes of my life.....I just laid there looking at her while she cried. I kept telling them that she was hungry, tears streaming down my face, pleading with them to let me just feed her.....They finally handed her to me.....there was a sigh of relief, an indescribable peace, she was in my arms and all was right with the world again.....

From that moment on it has been she and I.....through her Daddy's deployments to Afghanistan and Iraq, through the divorce, through losing our house in Katrina, through her first days of school, and my first days of nursing school, through job changes and life changes.......She truly is my hero. She is everything that I want to be. I'm proud and humbled to be her mother.

Happy, Happy Birthday baby. Mommy loves you!

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I don't know what else to say. Wow. I'm surprised you've ever doubted your strength. I really am. I don't know many people who have overcome so many hurdles. I don't think there is anything you can't handle. Clearly, and I hope this comes out the way I want it to, you were chosen for Natalie, and she was chosen for you. She couldn't be in better hands and heart.