Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Adventures in Anxiety

I have never really been an anxious person. Im more laid back, go with the flow, "it'll be a'ight" type.

Yesterday, I took a stroll in the day of the life of the "others".

It sucked.

Heart racing, short of breath, mind going a million miles a minute, diaphoretic, all out panic.....xanax please? Well I have no xanax, never have had one, but from what I hear, that's what I needed.

So what is the one thing that brings me back?

I wish that I had some really smart quick fix, but I dont.

They say you cant know where youre going until you remember and understand where you've been.

I stand on the shoulders of giants.

I have always known this, but yesterday, I needed a reminder.

For those of you who dont know, this is my (short and sweet) story.

I am second born to young parents who divorced early in my life. We were poor during my younger years.....we lived in a trailer on my grandparents land.....we didnt have much but we never hung our heads.....we didnt know we were poor, we were a happy, proud group.

 My grandparents were my focal points, they were my stability.....even today, after so many years of going without them.....they still bring me back to square one.....when I am scattered, when I am scared, when I am at my wit's end......I go home.

I live in "town" now. At least that's what we used to call it when we were young.....there was nothing for miles so when you needed something you "go to town".

So yesterday I took a drive. I went to my parent's house first. Its a nice 25 minute drive out of the city and deep into the country. We are the suburbs, so when you get outside of the burbs you go straight into the middle of nowhere,'s what I mean:

Now the great thing about yesterday was that it was a beautiful day. A little chilly.....but just nice. A good day for a drive. A good day to open the sunroof, feel the wind, and just go.

After I made it out to my parent's house. Yes, I said Dad and my step mom are the people who raised me.....therefore, they are my parents. End of story.

Anyways.  I didnt feel like I had gotten my "drive" out yet. I hadn't finished my pity party just yet, so I drove further. I drove past nowhere....back to the beginning. Back home to my grandparents.

My grandmother has been gone since 2003, my grandfather since 2006. I guess I've never really gotten past it. I need their guidance. I have unfinished business. I needed to see them....since that wont happen, I got as close as I possibly could.

My grandparents owned a restaurant....we were raised in it. Took naps in the corner on blankets....did our homework at the table in the corner.....ran around the bar playing chase before the walls were was home too. I started waiting tables and washing dishes at an obscenely young age. But as my PawPaw would say, I learned the value of a dollar. It burned in 2007 after a freak mid-day storm landed a lightening bolt in the storage shed....the fire spread quickly. There wasnt much left to do  afterward but gather what we could and move on. Even so, there are pieces of my grandparents still there. And so there, I went.  My PawPaw's roses still bloom through the weeds..... his cactus that he brought back from a roadtrip to Mexico (or so the story goes).....his peach tree still blooming, his pride and joy.....oh how he loved that peach tree. He used to get so mad when the patrons of the restaurant would pick his peaches.....

A trip to the cemetary, a drive past my PawPaw's cypress trees that he planted....

Yes. That says 1899.

A drive to the church that he loved so much.....the place that used to drive my MawMaw crazy because my PawPaw would make her help him cook every 5th Sunday as if he were the only one bringing food.

So that's it. That's all that's left. Moments. Memories. Pieces of my grandparents. Some flourish still, some a fraction of what they once were.

But what this really a reality check. A reason to be grateful.....I truly stand on the shoulders of giants. People who were so strong willed, so hard headed, so hard working......people who went through more than I ever have or ever will......and they came out on top.....So can I.....if I just remember....



  1. Beautiful post, Juli! It sounds like your grandparents were amazing human beings...

  2. Stacey.

    Thank you. They were. Miss them so. Thanks for coming by and thanks for commenting. ~juli

  3. Life is hard. You get to be a certain age and it seems like you know more people on 'the other side' than here on earth. Memories, even the good ones, can be a heavy load. Reading your post makes me feel better - I'm not the only one trying to make sense of it all. Hope you and your family are well - positive thoughts for your little daughter with CF.