Not for the chromosomally challenged....this means you guys! :)

I'm having a moment. A girl moment. These are few and far between seeing as how most of my time is spent being Mommy and I haven't quite figured out how to be a Mommy and a girl simultaneously. The concept eludes me. If you are female you know exactly what I mean.... However if you're a guy, you're not going to relate and probably want to find something else to do right....about.....now.

I've let myself go lately. No manicures, no pedicures, no eyebrow shaping.....heck I haven't had a haircut since....since....wow I guess since I decided that bangs were a good idea and they are totally grown out now. Its been a while.

But today, today I had enough. Today I looked in the mirror and saw....yuck! So my sister and I took on the task of handling up on those unruly eyebrows. Yep, that's right, it took two of us. It was painful, its was a process, and I don't believe I'm going to be waiting that long before I do it again. In my defense though, Kayla did tame them a little more than I usually do....she was pulling hair that had 30 year old roots, deep....strong....painful to break roots. Pulling out eyebrows that I'm quite sure Ive had a VERRRY long time. I'm cringing as I write this...it was not fun. So no more skimping on the personal grooming. It just hurts too much. :)

Ive never been the girly type. I have one makeup bag. One. It gets thrown in the car, brought to work, thrown back in the bathroom, and back again. I have no collection of perfumes...its bad for Natalie (or so they say). I have no collection of fabulous lotions....they're perfumed as well and what's the fun in lotion if its unscented.

I'm not sure if the lack of estrogen driven habits is a lack of interest or a lack of time. Ive been a Mom my entire life....since I was 19. There's just not time for such indulgences....at least not on a regular basis. Sometimes I wish that I were more girly. More feminine. More....more something or less something perhaps. Maybe people would treat me differently. Maybe they would be more gentle. If I acted like I couldn't handle everything, maybe I wouldn't be expected to take so much, maybe they would think twice before things came out of their mouth, bite their tongues a little harder.... Maybe they would......maybe.

The unfortunate reality is that I'm not fragile. I am not delicate. I'm no UFC fighter, but I can hold my own. I don't cry at movies and TV shows. I don't watch Lifetime or Oxygen. I don't watch the soap operas to see if Jane is really going to leave John because he cheated on her with Betty. I think most "reality" TV is a joke. I watch football. I keep the TV on A&E and Discovery (when I get a turn, that is). I am the disciplinarian. When the girls want something that is questionable, they know to go to Daddy....not me. He's waaaay more likely to say yes than I am.

I'm coming to terms with this idea.....very slowly. I always wanted to be the petite girl, with blond hair and blue eyes.....I'm not. I'm 5'8, i tried to be blond once, maybe twice and it was hideous. My Italian and Native American backgrounds would never allow it to look right anyway. Ill never have blue eyes, even with colored contacts they still look nearly black....even at my lowest weight, I was never petite....I never will be.

People usually come to terms with themselves long before 30, or at least I like to think that they do. Maybe I'm wrong. Ive been trying to figure myself out while trying to form 2 other lives. Maybe that's why it took so long. Maybe if I had slowed down, maybe if I weren't in such a rush to get started with the rest of my life, maybe then I would be a different person....but I kinda like who I am....kinda....maybe.

Cheesecake.....

I bought a cheesecake a couple of days ago. It was a turtle cheesecake....caramel, chocolate, pecan.....no one else eats cheesecake, except me. Therefore, I had to eat it myself. I am sorely disappointed in myself....maybe not. It was good.

That's about as deep as I go lately. Cheesecake. Ive tried for days to write an update.... to tell you something exciting....share some great happening. I just cant think the way I used to.

A large majority of my posts came from pain, from indecision, from unhappiness. I'm just not in that place anymore.

I'm good, really good. The girls are fine. Caitlin is getting accustomed to this advancement in school and Natalie is Natalie, still fighting her treatments and still being just so darn cute. Ive said many times, its a good thing she is so cute....keeps her out of a lot of trouble.

We do have a new addition to the family courtesy of Grandma Jo. His name is James. He's a hermit crab. I have pictures, but that's another post for another day.... I will however leave you with a video of my breakfast time serenade. Maybe this will give you a better idea of Natalie's cuteness factor. much love ~j

For you, you, you and you......and maybe you too.

We all have demons. We all have things, people, decisions that haunt us.

What defines us, what sets us apart is how we choose to deal with them.

We can retreat, we can hide away in shame, defeat, and embarrassment, or we can fight.

Tonight, I beg you to fight. Silence the voices that tell you that you cant take anymore. Push away the thought that it is just too hard....turn a corner, make a change, break away from what you know. Its possible. Ive seen it. Ive experienced it.

This post is for a friend who is detoxing this weekend....he's stepping up, making a change and moving on. Nothing but best wishes and good vibes his way tonight, and throughout this tough time. Much love! ~j

Day one and day two of 5th grade have come and gone. Caitlin has done fabulously. She's not too keen on switching classes but I think it will grow on her.

Natalie's antibiotics are going well. No more fever and her cough is improving.

And me? Im looking forward to football season. Saint's first preseason game is Thursday against the Patriots. Cant wait! Geaux Saints!

Keeping it short and sweet tonight peeps. Hope all is well on your end! Much love ~j

to bitch or not to bitch, that is the question.

Every time I open this page, there is a burning question that I must answer. Do I bitch? Do I vent? How am I really feeling right now? What is really on my mind?

I'm tired of bitching. I'm tired of venting....wait....am I starting to bitch about bitching? ugh! How annoying is that? :)

School starts Monday. I don't know whether to be excited or sad or worried. 5th grade. Caitlin is going to be in 5th grade. Questions I don't want her to ask. Answers I don't want to give. My sister asked me if I remembered what I was doing in 5th grade....I remember, oh how I remember.

Natalie is on antibiotics again...cough, sinus congestion, ear infection. Her medication list grows and shrinks and grows and shrinks. Her weight is holding steady, so we're going to focus on the good parts.

Other than that, its just the usual. Kids screaming, phones ringing. Daddy can't do this and Daddy cant do that this day or that day. Its gonna be fine though. Why? 'cause I'm awesome :)

love to you and yours! ~j

always on my mind.....

Fight, fight, fight to the death....

Life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Shit happens, then you die.

Life goes on.

Ahhh, F%#k it.

The only sure thing in life is change.

Don't be a victim.

Can you change it? nope. Can you do anything about it at this very moment? nope. Is your piss poor reaction to the situation helping? nope. Then f&%k it. Don't worry about it.

One foot in front of the other.

One day at a time.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Things will look different in the morning light.

But for the grace of God go I.

I tell myself these things daily. I may say them out loud, to myself, or to someone else. Maybe not all of them, but at least one...at least once a day. This has been going on for years....my internal dialogue is strong, is loud, is relentless. It comes from a place of love.

There once was a little Catholic Italian lady. She stood about 4'11, but her stature never matched the size of her personality, the depth of her understanding, nor the reaches of her influence. She was an orphan. She was a wife. She was a mother, and a mother who had lost a child. She was a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and she taught me all I needed to know about when to scream, when to whisper, when to cry, when to laugh, when to let it go, and when to take it and run.

I wonder what she would say. I wonder what she would do. I wonder if she would laugh, oh how I miss her laugh. I miss her. That seems like the understatement of a lifetime. Its inadequate, hollow. I miss her like you would miss part of your being, I think it may be how people who lose their mothers feel. Lost. But I carry her with me. To love me is to love her. Oh how I wish she were here. I'm proud to carry her name. I hope I do it justice one day. I hope my grandchildren think half as well of me. I'd consider that a great accomplishment.