Panic

I've had a lot of people asking me the "How do you do it?" question lately.

I've realized that the more my friends now about me, the more they pity me. I don't want anyone's pity.

I've noticed lately that a lot of the older CFers are male and have done some reading up....the stats are less than encouraging.

I have moments of panic which lead to suppression and denial.

My suppression and denial lead to emotional outbursts at inopportune times.....like when discussing my job with my supervisor. *sigh*

I feel crazy sometimes.

I have a world of emotions chasing me around all of the time. Fear, determination, denial, hope, hopelessness, sadness, longing......I just keep moving so they don't catch up. I worry what will happen to me if they ever do.

Natalie has MRSA in her lungs. We have been on Bactrim for three months. As a nurse I understand what this means. As a mother, I close my eyes, put my head down, make sure I do all I can to keep her healthy, and put one foot in front of the other. One treatment, one med, one day.

 I am grateful that Jason takes some of the pressure off at night when he gets home. He helps me get the day finished. I wish he were home more. I wish I didn't feel like I needed so much help. I used to feel invincible....or at least I could pretend. I don't even try to pretend anymore. I am weary. I am tired.

No one realizes the life we lead as CF parents. We cling to others for hope, for advice. But with this comes an enormous pain that we share with every loss, with every setback.

Sometimes I wish I could leave it all behind.

But here it is. Its here to stay.

One foot. One step. One day.

That is all.