Scattered, Smothered, Covered.......

My life is an endless stream of oxymoron's, contradictions, contraindications, just plain weird. Its hard living in this skin....I suppose it could be easier if it weren't for me getting in the way all of the time. Only someone in my shoes, or similar shoes could understand why the previous statement makes sense.

Ive told my parents a million times that they made my life so black and white that I assumed that one day I would wake up and suddenly I would know everything. There would be some great epiphany and *TAAADAAAA* "Congratulations Juli, you've accomplished enough in life that now you know EVERYTHING!!!" (loud cheering and applause)

My parents did what they thought was right and I suppose it was a really good thing. The only problem is that it left me ill prepared for life's gray areas.....and omg they are everywhere. The lack of knowing what to do mixed with the idea that my parents always knew what to do gave me poor self esteem, made me think maybe I was stupid?, had no reasoning skills?, no moral compass?, or perhaps I should have never left home because I was obviously retarded or missing something somewhere.....Thanks guys ;)

However as life has progressed and I am nearing on the big 3-0, I have learned two very important lessons, everything I need to know for my daughters, I learned from the people who raised me. The good, the bad, and the crazy. They taught me what to do, what not to do, they tried....and thank God they did. Second, Ive learned that there must be something greater than us, there has to be.

Ive come to see that my life was laid out before me long before I had a choice, everything that has happened, was intentional, purposeful, and has gotten me where I am today. I'm in a good place, regardless of what i say.

I was a waitress before I was a nurse. One of my friends who had just finished nursing school came in, she was stressing about passing her licensing boards. She looked at me and said, "Juli, why don't you go to nursing school? You know you could do it." She changed my life, I didn't know why I needed to go to nursing school, It was never on my list of things I wanted to do when i grew up. But I went, and I loved it.

Natalie was born 3 weeks and 2 days before I graduated. I cried as I signed the paperwork to send her to the NICU, I had a great understanding of that paperwork, I knew what it meant inside and out, I had been tested on it. I cried, I held her after the doctor told me the news. I rocked her and told her I was sorry over and over and over again through my tears, even though I knew I could not have prevented it and had done nothing to cause it. I'm not saying that you have to be a nurse to be a good mother to a CF child. I'm saying that my path in life gave me understanding and brought me to a point where even though Natalie wasn't planned and it wasn't convenient to have another baby, I would have never exercised my right to choose.

I don't know where these days are leading me. I don't know my direction before I end up there. Natalie is hanging in there. Caitlin is growing too fast for me to keep up. Everyday I think that I could not love them more and then I wake up and I do. Time is flying by and I feel the need to hang on, hang on to them so tightly. I'm afraid. I fear the unknown and when looking forward, I see nothing but those big gray areas I was speaking of earlier. So all I am left with is faith. Faith that there is a plan, there is a reason, there is a purpose. I believe that, I have to.

So tonight in this muddled mess of a post, a peek into what happens when I free write when I am tired.....and pictures. Pictures of why I am sad tonight, and my greatest joy. Why I don't want to get out of bed sometimes, and my reason to get out of the bed all at the same time. My fear, my love, my hate, my hurt, my happiness.....all at once....everyday. ~j