Being Jewish without actually being Jewish.

I'm not sure that I've ever really talked about this part of CF life.....the meat and potatoes of it all....where it comes from (genetically speaking), why it's here (in our lives), etc. etc. etc.

For various reasons, kicking and stumbling through a fat and calories packed breakfast-making effort, trying to wake up this morning, I thought to myself, "Man, it sucks to be Jewish." Now before anyone goes calling me antisemitic or racist or anything else absurd, let me explain.

I am Jewish, apparently. Not just any type of Jewish, Ashkenazi Jewish.....

Who? What? When? Where? How?

Yeah, I wondered the same things. My Grandparents on my mother's side were Italian and Native American/Irish.... on my Father's side its not quite as clear but there's a lot of Native American over there too.....My Mother's side is deeply rooted in the United States......deeply......the first that I can find of a foreigner is an English immigrant in the 1600's.

Anyway, I am rambling, back to my point.

I honestly wouldn't mind being Jewish......I agree with a great many parts of their culture. I love the fact that they get the Old Testament of the Bible and aren't bound to the "If you aren't Christian, there's something wrong with you" mentality that prevails throughout America (or at least  here in the south). I mean who wouldn't want to be Jewish? After all, they are God's chosen people.....

The problem lies in the fact that I am not religiously Jewish, but genetically, I am. Natalie inherited the w1282x mutation from me. w1282x is an Ashkenazi Jewish/Israeli mutation. Okay, strike one, Cystic Fibrosis mutation from that part of the gene pool......Strike two, you ask??? Tay Sachs. Tay Sachs is another genetic disorder carried by the Ashkenazi Jewish genetic line. It is a devastating disease for which there is no cure, very little treatment, which leads to eventual paralysis and death.....at a very young age.....before the child's third birthday.....*sigh*. Strike 3? Does there have to be a strike three??? Isn't that enough??

There are enough problems to worry about in life......like the things that are sitting in your face here and now....Now I get to worry about things that may come, things that may go wrong, things that I am unaware of and unable to control, things that may or may not manifest, that may or may not be passed to my children.....

I feel broken. Genetically inferior. Sad.

I'm going to go find some chocolate.....maybe that will make me feel better.....at least for a little while.

Apologies

I've been avoiding this place....I apologize.

This is a window into my world, I brought you guys along for the ride and then ducked out.....I can't say I'm sorry enough.

Natalie is fine. Caitlin is fine. The house is fine. The job is fine. Everything is fine....just fine.

I have been extraordinarily stressed out though....soon you will all know why, but for now, I'm keeping this one close to the chest, so to speak. The problem is that, ironically enough, this is the one place where I find it difficult to not be totally honest, as a result, I haven't even opened the web page until this evening....or any of my friends' pages.....or any CF pages period. Our annual Halloween walk is coming up and I haven't even made preparations for that....I've just been in a daze. I'm coming out of it though. I promise to do better.....

I love you guys and have missed you all dearly.

Please accept my apology.

All of my best. ~j

Life Lessons: Yoda III

Luke: "I don't believe it!"
Yoda: "That is why you fail."

Life Lessons: Yoda II

Life Lessons: Yoda

Nightmares.

They say that dreams are your subconscious way of working out conscious problems, issues, or fears. If this is the case, I sure wish that I had less baggage and could dream about pleasant things.

As cool and calm as I seem outwardly on a daily basis is as tormented as I am in my sleep.

People, places, ideas.....things that have already been played out in real life....replayed over and over again with different scenarios, different endings over and over and over again. Fears brought to life with the closing of my eyes. Wishes, wants, things that I wish I had the nerve to do, done in an instant only to wake to the realization that my dreams are as close as I'll ever get. Frustrating. Exhausting. Depressing.

I wake in the morning so tired. Half of the time the dreams are so real, it takes me a minute to get oriented and to figure out if it really happened or not.

I'm starting to understand more and more why people need sleeping pills and therapy.

Top ten reasons to suspect that I am not a woman:

I have suspected for a long time that my gender is only anatomically deep. I do not relate to women the way that I do to men. Call me mean, call me insensitive, call me a mind f*&k......whatever you like....but here they are:

TOP 10 REASONS I AM ACTUALLY A GUY:

10.  I do not cry at Hallmark commercials or any commercial for that matter. WTF dude? They're commercials. They're seething low blows by billionaires to suck the last dollar out of the working man's pocket.

9.  The world does not end if I don't have a haircut/style every other month, every six months, or hell even once a year. Its hair. It goes in a pony tail. End of story.

8.  Getting a mani/pedi is not my idea of fun. While necessary at times and a nice treat, the fact that I haven't had one in nearly five years does not bother me in the least.

7.  I think that men look ugly naked. You would NEVER find me at a Chip 'n Dales show.....is that even how you spell that? Aren't Chip and Dale chipmunks?? Just wondering.

6.  While I am busy a lot and most of my TV time consists of Nick Jr., when I do get to watch TV. American Idol, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or any other trashy MTV reality tv show is that LAST thing you're going to find on my TV. Ugh! What is up with that?

5.  Though I have mood swings like a woman the LAST thing I want to do is talk about it. Leave me alone. If I'm quiet, there's a good reason for it. Don't pester me until I open my mouth and word vomit comes out all over you and then get upset because of what I said. Let me be, I'll be fine in a minute or two or ten or tomorrow.....

4.  I think guns are cool. So is cammo. I heart cut off BDU's.

3.  I don't like being dirty but it happens. The dirtier I am, the more that I feel I have accomplished.

2.  I think that emotions are highly over rated and get you into trouble and make you say stupid things that make you look silly. Logic is a far better friend to have. The Casey Anthony trial reaction has solidified this belief.

1.  If its football season and you do not watch football or have anything negative to say about football.....you should stay away from me.....because its football season, my season. No, you may not watch something else, no we are not going anywhere unless its to watch the game, no you may not watch something else during the halftime report and yes, I must watch the after game commentary.


So there they are. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one. Then I remember that I don't care :)

All of my best, always! ~j