There have been so many times in my life that I have sat alone and said, "What the hell happened?".
So many times that I have sat and cried wondering when or how things were ever going to change.
I was waiting.....waiting on something, anything. A miracle? A nudge, a push, a SHOVE.....just something, anything to show me that I was doing the right thing....someone, somewhere tell me that I was headed in the right direction.
Eight months ago that shove came.....I was NOT where I was supposed to be, I was NOT doing what I was supposed to be doing....I was maintaining. That's all. Nothing more.
Eight months ago when he told me to leave, a door was opened. My life began again.
Before I say anything more, I must say "thank you" to him for that.....
Today I wake up and I am content. Today I do not dread what the day will bring. Today I do not reminisce about what was or what could have been. Today I look to what CAN be......that is a beautiful feeling.
Perhaps its a fear of commitment. Maybe other people are right when they say that Im better off alone, when I have options. I could probably make arguments either way, based on my experiences and reactions......I dont think that I have commitment issues.....I think I have made poor choices in the past, but I thouroughly believe that to be a thing of the past.
Anyway, why did this come up in the first place?
Very simple.
A song came on the radio today, a song that I used to sing in the car with such vigor, with such belief that my life had passed me by and there was nothing more left to do......when it came on I started to sing, but it held different meaning....it wasnt about me anymore, and that was a really good feeling. Will post that below, but let me leave you with a thought: Your age, your experience, your past does not have to determine your future. Step outside your comfort zone. Do something that scares you. Believe that anything is possible. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be a homeowner, that my life would look the way that it does, I would have laughed and called them a liar.....Never doubt that life can change in an instant.....It happens every day: the good, the bad, and the scary.
So many times that I have sat and cried wondering when or how things were ever going to change.
I was waiting.....waiting on something, anything. A miracle? A nudge, a push, a SHOVE.....just something, anything to show me that I was doing the right thing....someone, somewhere tell me that I was headed in the right direction.
Eight months ago that shove came.....I was NOT where I was supposed to be, I was NOT doing what I was supposed to be doing....I was maintaining. That's all. Nothing more.
Eight months ago when he told me to leave, a door was opened. My life began again.
Before I say anything more, I must say "thank you" to him for that.....
Today I wake up and I am content. Today I do not dread what the day will bring. Today I do not reminisce about what was or what could have been. Today I look to what CAN be......that is a beautiful feeling.
Perhaps its a fear of commitment. Maybe other people are right when they say that Im better off alone, when I have options. I could probably make arguments either way, based on my experiences and reactions......I dont think that I have commitment issues.....I think I have made poor choices in the past, but I thouroughly believe that to be a thing of the past.
Anyway, why did this come up in the first place?
Very simple.
A song came on the radio today, a song that I used to sing in the car with such vigor, with such belief that my life had passed me by and there was nothing more left to do......when it came on I started to sing, but it held different meaning....it wasnt about me anymore, and that was a really good feeling. Will post that below, but let me leave you with a thought: Your age, your experience, your past does not have to determine your future. Step outside your comfort zone. Do something that scares you. Believe that anything is possible. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be a homeowner, that my life would look the way that it does, I would have laughed and called them a liar.....Never doubt that life can change in an instant.....It happens every day: the good, the bad, and the scary.
Lovely post. I don't think you're meant to be alone forever. Sounds like a lot of growth has happened and with that growth will come many flowers for you and your girls.
ReplyDeleteThanks....I think we're heading in the right direction. much love! ~j
ReplyDelete