The CF split: Do I have two personalities?

As I was driving across Lake Ponchatrain this morning, I had a thought....How did I get here? Not here as in on the Causeway, but here as in making that drive for four years without losing it....mind you, Ive come close a time or two but that's just not the point....

I blame it on the CF split....my term for the persona you have to take on to deal with this disease day in and day out....be the advocate, be the nurse, be the protector, be strong, handle this and deal with that and make sure...always make sure....just do do do all day long in and out and up and down and meals and calories and counting and calculating with the enzymes and the medicines, did this one, didn't do that one yet, got 30 more on this and then 20 on that, well i can do the laundry while this and squeeze in the floors after that and then maybe we can leave the house in.....well.....maybe we'll just stay in today.

Its hard to have your life sneak up on you like that. I liken it to an out of body experience, moments that sneak up on you and turn into a time spent looking from another point of view, from the perspective of who I used to be.....not quite so serious, the world wasn't quite so scary, invulnerable, unstoppable....perhaps its the CF split, perhaps its age...as I write, I'm starting to wonder which has brought more change....maybe both, maybe its just life....

I see the differences most clearly on CF clinic days or days when Natalie is sick. Laughing and joking and just general feelings of well being are robbed, reality is thrown into your face over and over, the sinking feeling with every nurse or RT that walks into the room, with every blood draw, with every xray...her mortality is thrust boldly into my face and it hits the wall that I have built so that I can cope....

Its hard to break yourself out of that role. Its hard to see, to feel anything but the fight when you're in it. Its superhuman and almost robotic, there is no try, only do. Most cant understand that. All they see is that I get to work only two days a week and I stay at home with Natalie five days a week.....


Then there are nights like last night. Pizza night out. Ice cream. A trip to Wal-Mart and making Christmas Lists for Santa. Singing in the car on the way home. Bubble baths. Laughter. Fights over toys. Moments of blissful escape....


But here I am, fighting the fight, and trying find a reasonable balance between who I am and what this life has turned me in to...not that its bad, its just different.

I'm not complaining. I am blessed, I know this, and I am grateful. But there are just moments when you look around and say to yourself, "What the hell?".