when people asked me why, my answer was always the same. "Because he's the only person who knows everything about me and likes me anyway, hes good to me, hes good to my girls....why not?" it was all a lie, and now its over.

bubbles, stupid freaking bubbles, they blind you. but i keep my head in them most of the time, its a coping mechanism, its how i function knowing i have one child with a terminal illness and one who i will spend the rest of my life making up for her father's untimely retreat. for those of you unfamiliar with bubbles, maybe you could relate to blinders, rose colored glasses or some other stupid synonym.

i cant breathe. i cant eat. im lost. grey areas? stupid. nothing is normal. nothing is right. caitlin still doesnt know, she just got home yesterday and thinks we're spending time with her aunt. i cant tell her, not around all of these people.

the girls are fine. playing with cousins, running wild. oblivious to whats going on around them. Natalie's nebs are going well. her cough is almost completely gone. i am here, still functioning, still putting on a good face.

...and i am bearing my soul on the internet. why? why here? because i have nowhere else to go...not because its cool or funny or because i need attention, but because this is mine, my journal, my life. its a choice for you to click here....i live it.