When you just don't know what to say......

This video came to me this morning via facebook and my friend Ashley, whom I love to no end. Friend seems like such an inadequate word to describe her...She's more like a sister that I never get to see :) Anyway, I know lots of us are in a position where we dont know what to do, we dont know how to help, we dont know what to say....this is a lovely reminder that sometimes we dont need to say anything at all. To the right of the page you notice that there is a "chip-in" link. This is for Brad and Sarah Jones, to help defray and hopefully eliminate the hefty cost of a funeral for their little boy Conner. He is 7 years old and is losing his fight with CF, he also has Prune Belly Syndrome, and he does not qualify for any type of transplant intervention. Please help this wonderful couple, you can visit his mom here A cup of coffee, a trip to the fast food restaurant and brown bagging it for a day....anything will help, no parent should have to worry about picking out their child's casket, let alone how they will pay for it.....peace and love to you and yours ~J

Awards and quicksand......

Its nearly the last day of school and so that means its time for awards programs. The teachers were only allowed to pick 3 students to receive awards, and Caitlin received the citizenship award. I'm so proud! It was a nice morning and it was lovely to see that others recognize what a sweet, helpful, caring child she is.

Natalie has been invaded by bacteria once again :(....we're talking the works, sinusitis, conjunctivitis, laryngitis, bilateral ear infections with a cyst in her left ear....UGH!!! So hello again antibiotics....didn't miss you, and sorry to see you're back :( Her pediatrician thinks its a result of uncontrolled allergies which I find hard to believe. She is on Periactin twice per day, its used for its side effect of increased appetite, but its actually an antihistamine....go figure. So we're going to start back on Claritin, Nasonex, plus her antibiotics and see how it goes.....

Off to a staff meeting this afternoon....work is relentless. I was going to wait until Natalie got into school to go ahead and start the process of getting my BSN, but the God's honest truth is that there is no time like the present, so I'm going to be a big girl and just jump into it, and I'm going to be a baby and make my little sister go with me to apply and put my paperwork together :)

One thing that I learned from my ex-husband that I am forever grateful for is that you should equate life to quicksand, if you're not moving, changing, growing, improving, or learning as an individual, you're sinking....and I don't plan on sinking anytime soon.

Peace and love to you and yours this lovely day ~J

limits and finding strength....

I've been hiding out again. I find that I do that when I have acquired too much information, too many thoughts, too many questions, and too much heartache to process in a single sitting. I have reached my limit, I need to just back away, grieve, think, reason life out for a while before I join back in again.

I spend so much time living in the now, worrying about whats right in front of me, trying to navigate a life that seems out of my hands, that when the past or future creep into my thought processes it is devastating for me, emotionally....socially. Sure I can keep up a good front, you'll rarely find me admitting defeat....that doesn't mean I don't feel defeated.

I am devastated for my Caitlin. I am ashamed that she has to deal with life with divorced parents because of our immaturity, our stupidity, and our lack of good judgement. My heart is broken for her, the things and ideas that she must comprehend at her age just aren't fair, not only with her father's life, my life, but with Natalie as well. Its just not how it was supposed to be, its not what i had planned....Its not good enough for her, its just not good enough. She is so beautiful, she is so intelligent, such a talented, amazing little girl. She's supposed to have the world, and instead she has what her father and I have made for her....and what's more heart wrenching is that she rarely complains. She smiles, nods, deals with life as it is handed to her....so strong, so wise for her age. As she was getting out of the car to go to her father's house after dance class last week, she threw an envelope onto the seat of the car, kept walking, never looking back, smiling at her father and giving him her greetings....as I watched them drive away, I picked up the envelope and this is what I found written on purple ballerina stationary:

Dear Mommy,

I'm ten and you're still one heck of a mom. Always remember that I love you. Keep rockin my world and never give up! I love you more than china's tea cups!

Love,
Caitlin

I'm sad that she can see my sadness, I'm proud and feel blessed to have such a nurturing thoughtful little girl, I'm happy that she still mixes up the phrase "I love you more than all the tea in China" with the above paraphrase. She's been doing that since she was old enough to talk and its kinda become our "thing"....I don't know what I would do without her, but how I wish she didn't feel like she was taking care of everyone. After all, that's supposed to be my job.

So, as rare as it is that I allow myself to slow down enough to become engulfed by the sadness that follows me, I give myself this moment. I give myself this time to sit at a tear soaked keyboard, but only this time. Once I have left this computer, it will be behind me, I will stand and continue the day's housework, dance class tonight, Natalie's fever, dinner, tomorrow's doctor appointments and I will do it with a smile, with resolve, and with no outward frustration. I will do it this way because my baby sees, my baby understands, and she has enough on her plate already.

One day at a time.....

I don't have much to add today, but I feel compelled to update anyway. We have gotten news that since the weather has eased up that they will commence controlled burns of the oil in the gulf....I am concerned about this, as the last time they did it, we could smell it in our back yard. I am all about preventing this mess from reaching the shore and containing it by whatever means possible, but geez is it ever inconvenient. Ive been monitoring the air quality at airnow.gov so we will see what goes on throughout the next few hours.

I am grateful today. Grateful for how healthy Natalie remains. Despite our frequent antibiotics this cold and flu season, she has recovered and is doing well. She doesn't want to do her vest treatments anymore, she states quite adamantly, "But Mommy, I all better now!!" Its hard to explain to her that CF doesn't go away, she cant feel it, she's not coughing, she doesn't understand preventative measures....but I try just the same. She is such a sweet child.

Caitlin is well, happy, and dancing away. I never thought that she would be one to get into ballet, tap, and jazz...but she has gone head first into it and cannot wait for her recital next year, we started too late in the year for them to participate this time, but next year, it is soooo on.

This summer brings a new issue of "what to do now?" I'm thinking of swimming classes for the two of them. Caitlin has been a little fish since she was old enough to get into a pool and though Natalie has not had her same exposure, she loves the water just the same. We HAD a trip to the beach planned for when school gets out, but that is now on hold seeing as how there is a 3k sq mile oil slick roaming around....anyway, I mentioned the idea to Caitlin and she seemed to love it, so I have to get some info but looks like that is going to be the activity of choice.

So I hope everyone is having a blessed week. We are counting our blessings here in LA despite the frequent mishaps. There is an opportunity in every terrible happening to see God's grace, and how grateful I am. As my grandmother used to say quite frequently, But for the grace of God go I, and how true it is. ~Juli

Oil Spill and the "B" word

So you can't really turn on the TV without noticing the fact that there is a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, we are in Southeast Louisiana, this makes for a precarious situation. I woke up this morning to my back yard smelling like a diesel fueling station, I immediately made a call in to the clinic. They didn't seem to be too worried about it, but if i felt that i needed to leave, that i should...ugh! Of course they're going to put the burden on me to decide....anyways, thankfully with the rain the smell seemed to disperse in the late afternoon hours and not even a hint of the smell could be detected inside, so before we pack up and relocate, we're going to evaluate this situation a little further.

I am going into Twitter meltdown, I finally understand the uses of Twitter and how it can be useful, unfortunately I think that if i hear my Tweetdeck notification one more time, I'm going to lose it. So, much like my friend UnknownCystic, the volume is off at this time for my own good. *sigh* I'm exhausted and I haven't done anything more than normal...maybe its mental exhaustion, actually it has to be because like I said before, I haven't done anything more than normal.....

I have however found myself in uncharted territory. My 10 year old came home and told me that her stepmother called me "the B word"....as much as I don't care, I do care that the comment was made in front of my 10 year old. The woman could shout it from the rooftops for all I care, its not the first time me and that word have been said in combination, and God knows it certainly wont be the last. But not in front of the kids, jeez, restrain yourself a little. I did send her a text informing her of my displeasure, it was civil as I aim to take the high road. I am from a divorced family myself and know the horrors of people downing your "other" parent, whether they deserve it or not, it leaves holes, scars. Its an insult to your very being, pieces of you, where you came from, who you look like, who you may or may not act like. When you insult the "other" parent, you are insulting the child, whether you mean to or not. So to all of you "step" people out there, censor yourself. They're listening, always, they read your looks as well as any adult....care more for the children than satisfying your own selfish need to vent....in the end you will harm the children more than you will make yourself feel better, and you wont make the "other" parent feel bad at all.

Natalie

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Birthdays and sanity....

Yesterday was my first born's 10th birthday....10 years. I looked at the clock at 11:38 am and realized that she was 10 years and 9 minutes old and nearly fell apart. Ten years....I keep saying it over and over. I don't know where the time has gone. Ive spent so much of my time trying to make sure that she has what she needs, going to school, going to work, trying to keep her from the bad things in life, that sometimes I forget that she just wants me. I remember that feeling. I didn't care about clothes, shoes, or what I had....my best memories were simply when i felt special, felt acknowledged, felt wanted. Ive resolved myself to making more of those moments for Caitlin. She deserves that, and more. The pictures above explain it better than I ever could, but my grandparents were a huge part of my life, and Caitlin's life as well. We all miss them dearly, but the void for Caitlin has been huge. Just as with every special occasion where balloons are involved, she had to send a balloon to them in heaven with a note....it kills my soul every time, but I would never discourage her. Her faith is stronger than mine sometimes and I don't want her to ever second guess it.

Its hard to balance Caitlin's emotional needs with Natalie's medical needs. Its easy for Caitlin to get lost in the shuffle. Natalie is so unpredictable and into everything, Caitlin is responsible and low maintenance. Caitlin doesn't like to rock the boat, she wouldn't ask for anything that she wasn't offered....Natalie asks for everything and cries when she doesn't get it....so three years into this whole having two children thing, Natalie having CF thing, having Mommy guilt thing, trying not to lose my mind thing, I'm still trying to work it out....but from what I hear, we all are :)