New Lungs!!!

Congrats to Piper on her new lungs! Many prayers to her and her donor family! Looking forward to tomorrows updates!

feeling my age, not my shoe size.....

I remember when I was young, whenever I did something that wasn't the most responsible, thoughtful, mature or forward thinking my grandfather would look at me, shake his head, point at me and shake his finger wildly saying, "Sister, one day you're going to wake up and you're going to be as old as I am....." then he would finish with his point of view, or maybe just put his head down and shake it disapprovingly. I always shrugged it off, after all, what's that supposed to mean anyway, right?

Today I woke up and I was as old as he was. Maybe not in numbers, but I feel every day of my nearly thirty years. I'm tired in every way possible. I ache all over, my body, my head, my heart. There are those that laugh at me when I shake my own head and say, "I'm just too old for this....." They laugh because my numbers don't reflect my experience. Sparing you the details and perhaps sparing myself embarrassment, I'll just say that Ive seen abuse of every kind at a variety of ages, Ive been a military wife, Ive been the one sitting at home, going crazy sick with worry and fear through September 11th, a war on two fronts, then the shame and devastation of divorce, death, sickness, CF. My highs go as high as motherhood and my lows are too many and too shameful to display to the world. I am mother of a ten year old and a three year old, I am a nurse, a fiance, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am anything I need to be for whoever needs me. I am severely codependent, I acknowledge it and I don't feel the need to change it. I sit in my living room observing the happenings. My little girls running around playing with their friends. Those are my little girls.....when did I get this old? I don't feel old enough to have children this age. I am sitting in this house, Justin and I have discussions about mortgages, savings, retirement, 401k's, buying furniture, replacing flooring and what kind of cabinets we want in the kitchen when we finally decide to replace them. Who has conversations like these? Who talks about this stuff? I'll tell you who, old people......

I read the blog Postsecret. Every Sunday there are new secrets posted. Mondays I sit and read through them, contemplating. What would I write on a single post card? Would my secrets fit on a single post card? How many post cards would it take for me to empty that little box in the farthest reaches of my mind. Would I dare put them on paper? Would I dare give light to the secrets that pull me down when I am at my lowest? Would I dare to acknowledge the ugly parts that keep me from believing that I am worth more than my worst thoughts or past actions? I don't know that I could.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, how empowering it must be to write down the secret, focus on it, decorate that card, personalize it, give it power for that one last moment and then send it away, away from you and to a place where maybe, just maybe it could help someone, make someone feel less "bad", less alone, less like a freak, where it could help instead of hinder, where it could help create instead of destroy.....

I don't really know where I was going with this one, but life has gotten in the way and I have lost my line of thought....dinner, bath, and now its time for bed......Im going to leave this one as a To Be Continued.......

laptop was KIA and Ive been MIA

I'm writing to you from a Mac....that's right, my laptop was KIA last week....such a sad, sad time. Ive been struggling to put together a post without erasing it and when the darn thing finally quit on me, it just gave me an excuse to not even try. Justin was kind enough to offer me this Mac, so I feel compelled to update. I don't like the way the keyboard feels, I don't like that it seems to have been made for someone who is left handed, it feels awkward, backward, wrong somehow, like I'm cheating on my laptop, so I'm just going to muddle through :)

We have had a busy week or two. Justin and I decided to pamper ourselves and the kids for the summer and get a membership to Francos, a very nice athletic club in Mandeville. Four pools, two water slides, sauna, spa, full upstairs gym, and children's areas that the kids are happy to get to visit, even if it means getting out of the pool.

Natalie is well for now, watching her like crazy....she's never been in a pool that wasn't our personal pool and exposed to this many people. It worries me, but the truth is that I want her to live as normally as humanly possible. I'll stop taking her if there are any signs that she may be getting sick from it, but she is just so happy in the water, I just cant see taking it away from her unless I absolutely have to. There will be no school this fall, she falls short of the October 1st cut off, so she has another year at home with mommy. That's not a bad thing for her, I think she needs the extra year, not because she is not ridiculously intelligent, but because she is just so spoiled, she doesn't listen very well, and this will give us a little extra time to work on that :)

Caitlin is enjoying her summer so far....she keeps asking me what we are doing this summer. I'm assuming that she means a beach trip or something along those lines. Ive tried to explain to her that its just not safe, I don't think she is grasping just how far reaching this oil spill is. Tar balls have been washing up in Alabama for the past two days and the oil sheen was supposed to reach the FL panhandle yesterday. Caitlin and I lost most everything we had in Katrina.....I know it sounds silly and its not even close to the same thing, but I just hate to explain to her that, once again, life as we knew it is gone, a trip to the beach will have to be planned far in advance, not the day before. How I hate to break that child's heart. She is so proud of the fact that she was born in Ft. Campbell, Ky. So proud that she was born somewhere other than here, she roots for the Titans and cheers for Ky in the college realm as well, even in spite of the fact that they are in the same conference as LSU.....but she is a Louisiana girl. Loves her seafood and her time under the live oaks at the park, and she finds beauty in our off kilter ways. I just don't want to tell her that its another change, not that she couldn't handle it, like i said before, maybe I'm just chicken :)

My accomplishments are limited to housework and work outs. I actually used the upstairs portion of Francos and worked out for a whole hour. Gonna try and do it again today. Another staff meeting, picking up Caitlin , squeezing in a workout ugh! guess I better get moving huh? ~J

When you just don't know what to say......

This video came to me this morning via facebook and my friend Ashley, whom I love to no end. Friend seems like such an inadequate word to describe her...She's more like a sister that I never get to see :) Anyway, I know lots of us are in a position where we dont know what to do, we dont know how to help, we dont know what to say....this is a lovely reminder that sometimes we dont need to say anything at all. To the right of the page you notice that there is a "chip-in" link. This is for Brad and Sarah Jones, to help defray and hopefully eliminate the hefty cost of a funeral for their little boy Conner. He is 7 years old and is losing his fight with CF, he also has Prune Belly Syndrome, and he does not qualify for any type of transplant intervention. Please help this wonderful couple, you can visit his mom here A cup of coffee, a trip to the fast food restaurant and brown bagging it for a day....anything will help, no parent should have to worry about picking out their child's casket, let alone how they will pay for it.....peace and love to you and yours ~J

Awards and quicksand......

Its nearly the last day of school and so that means its time for awards programs. The teachers were only allowed to pick 3 students to receive awards, and Caitlin received the citizenship award. I'm so proud! It was a nice morning and it was lovely to see that others recognize what a sweet, helpful, caring child she is.

Natalie has been invaded by bacteria once again :(....we're talking the works, sinusitis, conjunctivitis, laryngitis, bilateral ear infections with a cyst in her left ear....UGH!!! So hello again antibiotics....didn't miss you, and sorry to see you're back :( Her pediatrician thinks its a result of uncontrolled allergies which I find hard to believe. She is on Periactin twice per day, its used for its side effect of increased appetite, but its actually an antihistamine....go figure. So we're going to start back on Claritin, Nasonex, plus her antibiotics and see how it goes.....

Off to a staff meeting this afternoon....work is relentless. I was going to wait until Natalie got into school to go ahead and start the process of getting my BSN, but the God's honest truth is that there is no time like the present, so I'm going to be a big girl and just jump into it, and I'm going to be a baby and make my little sister go with me to apply and put my paperwork together :)

One thing that I learned from my ex-husband that I am forever grateful for is that you should equate life to quicksand, if you're not moving, changing, growing, improving, or learning as an individual, you're sinking....and I don't plan on sinking anytime soon.

Peace and love to you and yours this lovely day ~J

limits and finding strength....

I've been hiding out again. I find that I do that when I have acquired too much information, too many thoughts, too many questions, and too much heartache to process in a single sitting. I have reached my limit, I need to just back away, grieve, think, reason life out for a while before I join back in again.

I spend so much time living in the now, worrying about whats right in front of me, trying to navigate a life that seems out of my hands, that when the past or future creep into my thought processes it is devastating for me, emotionally....socially. Sure I can keep up a good front, you'll rarely find me admitting defeat....that doesn't mean I don't feel defeated.

I am devastated for my Caitlin. I am ashamed that she has to deal with life with divorced parents because of our immaturity, our stupidity, and our lack of good judgement. My heart is broken for her, the things and ideas that she must comprehend at her age just aren't fair, not only with her father's life, my life, but with Natalie as well. Its just not how it was supposed to be, its not what i had planned....Its not good enough for her, its just not good enough. She is so beautiful, she is so intelligent, such a talented, amazing little girl. She's supposed to have the world, and instead she has what her father and I have made for her....and what's more heart wrenching is that she rarely complains. She smiles, nods, deals with life as it is handed to her....so strong, so wise for her age. As she was getting out of the car to go to her father's house after dance class last week, she threw an envelope onto the seat of the car, kept walking, never looking back, smiling at her father and giving him her greetings....as I watched them drive away, I picked up the envelope and this is what I found written on purple ballerina stationary:

Dear Mommy,

I'm ten and you're still one heck of a mom. Always remember that I love you. Keep rockin my world and never give up! I love you more than china's tea cups!

Love,
Caitlin

I'm sad that she can see my sadness, I'm proud and feel blessed to have such a nurturing thoughtful little girl, I'm happy that she still mixes up the phrase "I love you more than all the tea in China" with the above paraphrase. She's been doing that since she was old enough to talk and its kinda become our "thing"....I don't know what I would do without her, but how I wish she didn't feel like she was taking care of everyone. After all, that's supposed to be my job.

So, as rare as it is that I allow myself to slow down enough to become engulfed by the sadness that follows me, I give myself this moment. I give myself this time to sit at a tear soaked keyboard, but only this time. Once I have left this computer, it will be behind me, I will stand and continue the day's housework, dance class tonight, Natalie's fever, dinner, tomorrow's doctor appointments and I will do it with a smile, with resolve, and with no outward frustration. I will do it this way because my baby sees, my baby understands, and she has enough on her plate already.

One day at a time.....

I don't have much to add today, but I feel compelled to update anyway. We have gotten news that since the weather has eased up that they will commence controlled burns of the oil in the gulf....I am concerned about this, as the last time they did it, we could smell it in our back yard. I am all about preventing this mess from reaching the shore and containing it by whatever means possible, but geez is it ever inconvenient. Ive been monitoring the air quality at airnow.gov so we will see what goes on throughout the next few hours.

I am grateful today. Grateful for how healthy Natalie remains. Despite our frequent antibiotics this cold and flu season, she has recovered and is doing well. She doesn't want to do her vest treatments anymore, she states quite adamantly, "But Mommy, I all better now!!" Its hard to explain to her that CF doesn't go away, she cant feel it, she's not coughing, she doesn't understand preventative measures....but I try just the same. She is such a sweet child.

Caitlin is well, happy, and dancing away. I never thought that she would be one to get into ballet, tap, and jazz...but she has gone head first into it and cannot wait for her recital next year, we started too late in the year for them to participate this time, but next year, it is soooo on.

This summer brings a new issue of "what to do now?" I'm thinking of swimming classes for the two of them. Caitlin has been a little fish since she was old enough to get into a pool and though Natalie has not had her same exposure, she loves the water just the same. We HAD a trip to the beach planned for when school gets out, but that is now on hold seeing as how there is a 3k sq mile oil slick roaming around....anyway, I mentioned the idea to Caitlin and she seemed to love it, so I have to get some info but looks like that is going to be the activity of choice.

So I hope everyone is having a blessed week. We are counting our blessings here in LA despite the frequent mishaps. There is an opportunity in every terrible happening to see God's grace, and how grateful I am. As my grandmother used to say quite frequently, But for the grace of God go I, and how true it is. ~Juli